I have been very tired lately, exhausted really, but have done very little in the way of activity.  I takes so much energy for me to even breathe these days. People outside my world dont understand that fact for me.  Yesterday, I went home exhausted & received the first of the Graduation Annoucements from the kids in Matt's class.  First of all , let me say, how much I appreciate these kids sending me annoucements.  We live in a small town & Matt attended our Catholic School here that consisted of 18 kids in his class from K-8th grade.  So these kids are very close to Matt & me, when they went to high school they all remained very close.  I love the fact that the rest of the 17 kids are sending me announcements.  I hate that I'm NOT sending annoucements of our own.  So, that was the first meltdown for me. 

As I was exhausted, I thought I would try to lay down for a bit and try to take a little nap.  As I am trying to rest my brain, I have all of these random thoughts that pass through my mind.  I began thinking about a trip that my daughter & I took a couple weeks ago to visit family.  We were at a museum & I was remembering that my niece and I were having a funny conversation about boys, & I thought how much that must of embarrassed Matt that we were takling about boys in front of him......in that instance I had forgot for the first time that Matt could not have been there because he died over a year ago! How horrible of me to forget!  I honestly think I have lost my mind,  I understand PTSD & the symptoms associated with it, but how could I forget if only for a split second.  I am very confused, very confused.