Into the edge of the world without you, I watched as the school bus pulled away. The familiar sting as I fight back the tears so those near wouldn’t know. I’m thinking of you. This cool morning air and hillsides silver with dew. Heart’s Ease my uncle dubbed it. You should be here. Life’s regrets. I catch my breath and walk the gravel drive. The stones hurt my feet but help me regain composure. But all this around me is a reminder you are not here. The beauty in the meadow and the fish in the pond, I can almost see you with your fly rod casting and catching sunfish. I look into your brother’s eyes as he looks at me, neither of us smiling. We both know what each other is thinking but we don’t say it. We wish you were here. It’s difficult to be together without you. To be two and not three. There was so much more to say. There was so much more to do. But it’s over.
The leaves rustle as air moves through. It’s quiet and I hear a humming bird’s wings nearby. You are on our minds and in every breath. The ground is damp and the grass soft. The sun sets over the hill and the first star is in the sky. The breeze brings heavier evening air and a chill. The fire flies begin their festival of lights around the meadow which once would have made me smile. A stark contrast from only a few nights before when I stood on the curb and felt the tumultuous energy of traffic speeding by thinking it would be easy to make the step and bring you home to me. I stepped into the mosh pit the other night. The encore song at the concert, “Head Up”, the final song you listened to before you left home that day. The pit erupted as Chico belted out the words, “Walk into this world…. with your head up high”, and the lights glowed blinding white. A rush came over me and I pushed my way into the pit thinking I’d get the shit kicked out of me. Nothing like an elbow to the jaw to make you feel. I got hit and I hit back and then pushed and twisted and pushed back and bounced for what seemed an eternity. I fell to the floor and someone picked me up by the back of my shirt before I was stomped on. Then I was pushed out and emerged exhausted and sweaty and somewhat pleased with myself.
I ran into Capt. Brian Epperson one windy night at the causeway boat ramp and he told me I needed to get these evil thoughts out of my head. I’d drive there many times over the years to clear my thoughts at night and now I go there to remember them. To remember the last time I launched the boat there with you. The time you caught your first cobia. I think sometimes I may be falling into an empty hole filled with darkness and I’m not sure if it ever ends or if I will find a way out. I’m not at all sure I want to find a way out either. But we had a hell of a run while you were here. I never thought it would end like this. I never thought it would be over. But it is. It’s over. Now all we have is pictures and memories. And both are so very painful.
So I sit back in my chair and gaze at the stars above Heart’s Ease with Brandon and Uncle Burt. So many stars we don’t see in Florida. And I used to take comfort that in the absence of such wonders as the clear night sky lit by the light of stars and fire flies; we have the beach and ocean. But I hardly have the stomach for either now and wonder if I can find a place of contentment somewhere but also wonder if that place has to come from within. I could move to a different state and give up fishing the flats and replace it with good hunting possibly. But I’ve been increasingly annoyed with myself that every time I have a gun in my hand I have thoughts of how easy it would be to put a bullet in my own bean. Capt. Brian's words come back to mind to keep these evil thoughts out of my head.
We sat quiet for quite some time in the cool night air of Heart’s Ease. And I finally asked my uncle to tell me about what we were looking at. He’s not one to speak first as he likes to see if you have your wheels turning with what he is showing you. So I told him I only recognize the Big Dipper. He then taught us how to find the North Star from the point of the dipper. I told him the Roman’s must have been drunk and high to be able to see bears and soldiers in those stars. He pointed out a few other constellations’ I have forgotten as they did not make as much sense to me as the Big Dipper and North Star. My uncle Burt knows so much about so many things. And he believes in things like God and Christ and he makes very good arguments why I should also. But all I believe in is what we had and what we lost. So I gazed at the stars and wished I had a quart of beer that maybe I could see a roman eating grapes or killing a lion. But as quickly as those thoughts come, they go as I return my attention to you, my lost son. The best thing to happen in my life and the worst thing to ever have to let go. It’s just not fair. And it chokes me in the moment I remember you will not be with us again. Ever!
Sometime in the middle of the night I had a dream with you in it. I knew I was dreaming and I kept telling myself not to wake up because I didn’t want you to leave. I remember being surprised to see you and told you how happy I was that you were there. And you said, “I’m happy to see you too, I’ve missed you”. I remember we talked but don’t remember the context until you said you had to go. I asked you to wait, that I had one more question for you. I wanted to ask it and said I didn’t want to make you mad for the question. I asked if you knew you were dead because it seemed odd you’d be in the basement at Heart’s Ease where we were sleeping. You looked puzzled and I’m not sure if I got an answer as I woke up even though I fought it.
I was disturbed by the dream all morning but was glad I got to see you. I went outside and the grass was cold and wet to my feet. I walked the field and watched the little birds flutter by and wondered what will happen to Heart’s Ease when my uncle passes. He’s nearly eighty-two. I hope you greet him with your big smile and gentile touch and guide him into eternity.
I've felt so many things I fail to understand and I know rational is useless if all I feel I need is one more touch and to be with you for one moment more and hold you one more time to look into your eyes and touch your hair and comfort you again and hear your heart beat the song of an angel as I hold you near and I don't let go so you would never leave as one moment would change it all. You left this life alone and helpless, wet and cold and broken. It's all I would need to have you come back to me but years ago your winsome laugh cut through my hardened heart to feel life through your eyes, but all I felt was melancholy as I heard the whisper of an angel that would one day take you away from me and it was then that I knew you really weren't mine and unending sorrow filled the hole ripped from within for what will now be my eternity. I love you. You are beautiful. I will miss you forever.
Love,
--Dad
Joel Anthony Thorn, 1991 - 2009
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