Awkward Moments

It was unexpectedly awkward seeing my mom’s close friends recently. I could feel their critical gaze as they examined my physical features looking for signs of grief or duress. It triggered the reactions I experienced shortly after mom died. I had forgotten what it felt like to be under the gaze of these onlookers. Almost 7 months later, I have become spoiled that most people have resumed to treating me in the here and now without scrutiny.

How delighted I thought one of her friends would be to hear some positive news about my life. I was wrong, and received jealousy instead. Yes, I realize I evoke the essence of my mom, and it is undoubtedly painful and awkward for others who loved her to witness. Perhaps they are projecting their raw emotions onto their perceptions of me. I don’t like it.

These moments make me yearn for my mom even more, as nobody else could understand this indescribable experience better. How is it possible that my appreciation of my mom has been magnified even more since she’s been gone? I notice so many of her traits that no other human seems capable of possessing. What an amazing and complex woman- all in one soul.

I love and miss you so much, mama.